Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
