i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
