if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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