Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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