dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was born a porn star she said
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
