woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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