Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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