mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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