Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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