Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
