Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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