He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's shark week go big or go home
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
