Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The air was thick with penises
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
