your parents love me but you hate me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
