I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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