She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
