1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
