i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
