I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
