I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
