why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
