Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
