your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
