I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
