I accidentally had phone sex last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
