trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Of course I have a pirate flag
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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