I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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