I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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