The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
