2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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