dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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