i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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