if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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