Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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