she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
