Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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