I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
