Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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