There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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