Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I need moral support for this bender
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
