I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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