I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
