my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
