after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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