Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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