i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize