david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
