Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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