i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
