My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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