I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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