When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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