I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
