My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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