whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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