bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
