I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
