Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
