At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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